


the sun's a star too

by hwnghynjn



Series: u r a star in my sky (별) [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depressing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, seungjin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-11 05:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16469465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwnghynjn/pseuds/hwnghynjn
Summary: they don't know the only thing we'd found were each other. and while i found me in you, you went a bit further to look for yourself.that's okay. i'll be with you soon.trigger warning: implied suicide, implied death. please don't read if you will be affected negatively by this.





	the sun's a star too

**Author's Note:**

> mMMM angst
> 
> heavily inspired by @jisunshine's "lunar galaxy", its the most beautiful thing i've ever had the pleasure to read. id had ideas for seungjin angst along these lines already but their fic just pushed me in the right direction.
> 
> thank you all for reading <3

It's been awhile before I finally gathered the guts to come back.

Not for the reason you might think, though. Not because every memory we have together is etched into the cracking paint on these walls, or because when the wind blows all I hear are the conversations we had. Not because the plants up here are wilting without you,  _your_ sunny smile and  _your_ quiet energy.

(Like I am.)

No. That's not it. It hurts, but I'd take it, just to think of you again.

It's been awhile. 

When I came up here, I wasn't even thinking straight. It took me five steps up the dusty cement stairs before I realized where I was headed. 

I don't even know how I found this place. I'm just lucky that when I pulled open the door, you were there, asleep against the empty white walls. When you woke up I apologized but you smiled at me and I think, Minnie, I really think I saw stars. 

The mural is still intact. Remember? When you were especially far away that day and you just laid your head on my lap, talking in a dusty broken voice. I think you just wanted someone to hear, but I listened. And the next day I brought paint and we painted a flower mural on the wall.

You giggled when I drew that blue rose. You said blue roses didn't exist, but I knew it was your favourite because when I came back the next day you were asleep with your head against the cerulean petals.

I remember what colours we used. Cerulean. Azure. Lemon yellow. I remember why we used those, too.

You said you wanted a piece of the daytime, even at night. But I like to think you did find solace in the velvety indigo arms of the night sky, even if you were the sun. 

Sometimes it hurts, when I look at the sky. I think of you, and how you never believed me when I told you you were my sun. 

I remember coming up here the day after the wind grabbed your hand and the night took you away. I saw your note, wedged into the crack in the wall beside the mural looking for all the world like it'd grown there. When I opened it I cried. I even remember exactly what it said:  _To my stars and my moon, I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. I'm cold but the stars will warm me up, right? Don't worry, the wind is nice. She'll hold my hand. I won't fall. I love you. Please don't look for me. Love, the sun._

When I went to sleep at last those words were burnt into the back of my eyelids, Minnie, just like you were.

Did you know they're demolishing this building soon? It's true. They think it's a danger to the community, because its so old and abandoned. They think it's practically beckoning junkies or criminals to use it as their hideout. 

They don't know, though. They don't know the only thing we found was each other. And while I found me in you, you went a bit further to look for yourself.

That's okay. I'll be with you soon.

I have your note with me. I cried when I read it, you know? I cried for days and days and when I stopped crying I'd memorized the note by then. Remember when you cried, once, in front of me? The tears in the night sky made it look like there were stars clumped to your lashes. 

I was nothing like that. I was a mess.

I think I still am.

When I walked up, I told myself I would look at the moon, and I would see it shine brightly, and I would think of how it was reflecting your light, and I would think of you.

But there is no moon tonight. 

That's okay. The sun is a star too.

I remember the first and only time we kissed. I wonder if you do, too. I hope so. You were always so careful with everything, even with me, but when you kissed me it was like a wildfire. It felt like nothing I did before was right, and nothing I'll ever do again will be right if it wasn't this. You were so gentle, yet I felt like you had fire in your lips and you were burning mine until I couldn't think of love without thinking of you.

I wish I kissed you more. Maybe one last time.

Can I tell you a secret, Minnie? Sometimes I hate the wind for being so gentle to you. Maybe if she had been rougher, colder, angrier, you wouldn't have let her take your hand. 

Maybe I'm jealous, that I couldn't have been there. 

Maybe I'm jealous that you're with the sky now. With the stars, and the moon, where you said you belong.

I didn't know where I belonged at first. But I've always thought it was next to you.

It's alright, though. We can be together again soon.

Can you promise me one thing? Just one thing, a pinky promise, for when I'm there with you. Read to me again, like the one time we were stuck up there when it rained, and your voice next to my ear helped both of us fall asleep. This time, we won't need the light from my phone, because you'll shine brighter than you ever have down here. 

One last thing. I didn't come up here because I was afraid, Minnie. I was scared that if I went up I wouldn't come back down.

Now I know there's nothing to be afraid of. 

The stars are looking especially bright tonight.

To my sun, from your moon and stars. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. im not promoting anything with this, especially not suicide. i just thought id let my feelings out for a bit.
> 
> hope you enjoyed! ill be writing a lot more so keep an eye out for that! 
> 
> love you all and please leave comments if you have anything to say :)


End file.
